Men and therapy

True story: I first met with a counsellor when I was 15 years old. I lasted one session and didn't go back, I just wasn't ready. Fast forward a few years and I tried again, this time I stuck around long enough to get over the awkwardness I felt and I started to feel safe enough to share....

I'd do anything to feel better, but don't ask me to change

It's no secret that men are under-represented when it comes to being in therapy. A survey for the BACP showed that 29% of men surveyed had been to therapy versus 41% of women. Only 36% of referrals for NHS talking therapies are for men versus 64% for women. According to statistics from the Samaritans, in 2024 74% of all recorded suicides in England were men. I can't help feeling that there is a correlation in these sets of statistics.

Alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, porn, social media doom scrolling, violence, over-working, over-exercising, over-eating, over-spending……these are all things that we use to escape our feelings and for a while they work, we wouldn't do them if they didn't. But soon enough the solution starts becoming the problem, and now we have double the amount to deal with: the thing we do that harms us and the feelings we were trying to push down by doing the thing that harms us.

But maybe for you it's not so dramatic, it might be more subtle than that. You might have noticed yourself getting more angry and frustrated at work or at home, or you might have noticed that you aren't feeling anything at all, that nothing seems to really matter to you anymore. You have tried to shrug it off, tell yourself to sort it out, slap on a happy face for the benefit of everyone else, but the mask can't always hide what is underneath.

“Family pathology rolls from generation to generation like a fire in the woods taking down everything in its path until one person, in one generation, has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to his ancestors and spares the children that follow."

Terry Real, Psychotherapist

Picking the lock on the straight jacket of masculinity

It has been well documented how the social system of patriarchy (the holding of power, privilege and moral authority by men in society) is detrimental to women and clearly there is still a lot of work to do for this to change. But it's less spoken about how this does most men no favours either, despite what it might seem like, as the same system that gives us certain privileges as men also keeps us from seeking support when we need it for fear of being seen as weak. Masculinity is a prison but when we start talking about masculinities this is where things get interesting.

There as many ways to be a man as there are men, we just need to learn to 'pick the lock of the straightjacket of our masculinity' as the writer Darren McGarvey said. This isn't by just trying to be a 'good' man as opposed to one who is 'toxic', as this creates an us and them where bad things are done by other people. By recognising our shadow selves, the darker more hidden aspects of who we are, we can become more curious about what lies underneath and therefore much less likely to act from that place of darkness. The psychiatrist Carl Jung said "How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also if I am to be whole."

Therapy can be the place to start to get to know that shadow and a more authentic version of yourself. There is a view out there that says talking about your problems and expressing how you feeling is weak and you should just 'shut up and get on with it...' But it takes so much courage and determination to face our fears, to face the legacy of what has been handed down to us and decide if what we want to keep and what we would like to hand back. That is the heroic work that we now need to do as men, for us yes but also for our partners, children, family, friends and co-workers. It starts today....